The Great Candy Conundrum

Here's a question:
How come most things that are supposed to taste like fruit actually taste nothing like fruit? Here's an example. My favorite part about Easter, aside from the glory I achieve by finding my eggs the fastest (and Jesus), the candy I stockpile at Easter brings me joy throughout the month of April; specifically, the Sweetarts. I decided long ago that my favorite "flavor" sweetart was "yellow". I also enjoy the red flavored sweetart and the blue ones but mostly because of the color. It dawned on me the other day that I couldn't tell you what the actual flavors of these candies are supposed to be. I think the blue is supposed to be blueberry. Right? I mean, why else would they make it blue? What other blue fruit is there? Listen kids, I am a blueberry fanatic. I will pay $3.50 for a tiny carton of blueberries that's so small I finish it before I even make it home from the store. So, as an expert on blueberries and their taste, I can tell you with great confidence, that ain't no blueberry sweetart.

The same thing goes for any candy that happens to be purple. Okay, I think this is one of the most common flavor/colors of candy everywhere. Purple=grape. So, think about this, every purple candy tastes similar; however, no purple candy actually taste like a grape, purple or otherwise. Maybe I'm a synesthetes but I think purple candy that is supposed to resemble grape in flavor, actually just tastes like Purple.

Who was responsible for first deciding how the flavors of candy would coincide with actual fruit flavors? FAIL. Mr. Flavor Picker did a terrible job (I'm assuming it was a man because candy has been around a long time and I don't think women were allowed to work yet). Now, I'm really going to blow your mind. So, we can agree that most colored candy doesn't actually taste like the fruit mate that shares its color? There are however, some exact matches in color and taste between candy and fruit. Banana. Orange. Lemon. Lime. Bam! You know I'm right! Of course, these flavored candies are always the ones that end up on the floor in movie theaters or are used as weapons in epic battles of the backseat between sibling rivals. Which brings me to my final point: All candy that tastes like real fruit is gross and no one likes it.

Think about a pack of Runts, how many bananas and oranges did you leave lining the bottom of an otherwise empty box the last time you had some? I bet you ate the shit out of the red and pink ones though. What is the pink heart even supposed to be? I could never figure out why they created perfect likenesses to all the corresponding fruit flavors and then threw in a random pink heart that tasted like happy sugar.

Well done, candy makers. You've outwitted us consumers again. Here we sit in judgment of you and your ability to match a color with a flavor, meanwhile you continue to churn out "fruit" candy that tastes like regular white sugar and we continue to purchase and devour it like the chubby fat kids we all are at heart. Here's a tip though: Enough with the banana and orange. We know what's going on; the jig is up. Give the people what they want - more pink hearts!


Here's another tip: NO ONE likes the big orange marshmallow shaped like a peanut.